I spent my twentieth year without a single regret. For the first time, I feel like I’ve lived well. I offer a farewell to those who have left my side, and my deepest thanks to those who stayed and shared their affection with me.
I won’t write much about my life as a developer. For me, development is simply a means. It might be a way to manifest what I want to create, or it might just be a way to earn money. While I’ve grown significantly as a developer, I am still incredibly immature as a human being.
This is the part I feel I must record. How much have I grown as a person?
The year 2021 holds deep meaning for me. It was the year that blew open my narrow perspective and the year my once-vague values finally began to take shape. While it’s still difficult to judge which values are "right" or "wrong," I’ve at least learned how to live as myself. It was also a year of deep thought and decision-making regarding what I want to do with my life. I’ll let a few of my certain thoughts flow here, paragraph by paragraph.
I absolutely need time alone to recover my exhausted body and soul. This means quiet, silent time—free from the demands of both the offline and online worlds. It is in moments of loneliness and solitude that I can truly face "myself." I need those moments. During this time, I fight all my regrets and refuse to dwell on them any further.
I realized I couldn't be liked by everyone. Some people will dislike me no matter what I do. Naturally, being human, there are people I dislike or care for less as well.
This year, I felt a mix of gratitude and apology toward "my people." I don't know how they felt about me, but I am grateful for the immense strength they gave me, and I feel a sense of regret and apology for not being able to do more for them in return.
Those who will come, will come; those who will go, will go. The reverse is also true. For me, all human relationships can be summed up by this sentence. I’ve let many people go, but I’ve given my heart to just as many in return. Sometimes it happened unintentionally; other times, it was a deliberate choice. I’ll have to wait and see whether my attempts lead to good or bad results.
My view of society and my attitude toward others have also changed significantly. I’m not sure if these new attitudes are "correct." We live within the relative standards of a "society" that we cannot ignore, no matter how much we might want to. However, I’ve learned to always be on guard against falling into the trap of being "average."
The way I express my emotions has changed as well. In the past, I was busy hiding them, but now I try to express them. I worry if my expressions are sometimes too much, but I am striving not to hide so much. I think this will come to be seen as both a strength and a weakness of mine.
There is a movie that had a huge impact on me. I wonder why I only discovered it now: Into the Wild. The protagonist is a wanderer who distances himself from the mundane world, introducing himself as "Alexander Supertramp." His beliefs and philosophy resonated deeply with me. At the end of the movie, this line appears: "Happiness is only real when shared."
Managed to spend the year without regret. I lived while doing what I wanted to do and thought endlessly about how to survive efficiently and succeed in a capitalist society.
I am currently about 10-20% of the way toward the picture I’ve drawn for myself. This is a place I am passing through, but also exactly where I ought to be. It is the starting point for creating the life I desire. The present is always an opportunity for us to learn, grow, and become better than we have ever been.
Next year, my priorities are to study humanity and investment, seize new opportunities as they arise, and prepare for the military. And, as I resolve every year, I will strive to do a little more for my people.
I don't know if this retrospect will help anyone, but I leave it as a record. I am moving forward, bit by bit.