Last January, I visited Jeju Island. If you’re going to nitpick about visiting Jeju during a pandemic, this might not be the post for you. My reason for going was simple.
"Because I wanted to rest."
I went to Jeju truly wanting to rest. Consequently, I didn't spend much time sightseeing. I simply stayed at the guesthouse to relax, walked along the coastal roads, sat in cafes, practiced writing, and went looking for delicious food. There were many small and large moments, and over four days, I saw, heard, and learned much. Perhaps it was because I had been so happy there—the emotion I felt upon returning home was nothing but darkness.
Loneliness: A lonely heart or feeling from being alone.
Helplessness: A hollow, deflated feeling that comes from realizing one's own lack of strength.
The Standard Korean Dictionary defines them as above. I suppose you could say I felt helpless from the loneliness I experienced after returning from Jeju.
I enjoy being alone. Usually, my work flows better and I achieve more when I’m by myself. Yet, I still long for my friends and want to see people. My people—those I’m close to and who make me feel comfortable. And the environment that allows for this was essential to me.
Jeju was like that. The people I met in Jeju were like that. If they read this, they might be puzzled. I’m actually quite shy. However, even though they were strangers, they became older brothers (Hyungs) and sisters (Noonas) to me without a moment’s hesitation. The age gap was not small. Yet, they acted as my Noonas and Hyungs. (Contrary to my worries, age was never an issue; rather, I was happy and grateful).
Objectively speaking, I am young, but I am also objectively mature. My friends, those around me, and everyone I met in Jeju said the same. Even if I looked twenty, after talking to me, they’d say I seemed more mature than them. I hear that I’m "mature for my age" quite often. I don't hate this remark. I truly want to become a "good adult," even if I don't yet know exactly what that means.
When I show this side of myself, some say, "At twenty, you should just play and drink." I occasionally wonder what it would have been like if I had. If I had been a bit younger at heart, knew a bit less of the world, and been a bit more naive. Would I have been happier then?
Usually, I’m someone who habitually plans things down to the minute and always acts while anticipating the worst possible outcome. This trip to Jeju was my first attempt at breaking that pattern. For the first time, I left home with no plans other than my flights and accommodation. And I was happy. I successfully escaped my habits for a while and felt great joy.
Then I left Jeju behind and returned home. The emotions that greeted me were none other than loneliness and helplessness.
Currently, I define myself as someone learning about many different emotions. I am piecing together everything I’ve felt so far. Through this trip, I was able to recognize these feelings within myself as loneliness and helplessness. It’s not that I don't know the definitions and theories of various emotions. But whether I truly feel them or have experienced them was unclear. I hadn't been aware of my state, but now I am.
They say loneliness has no antonym. Not even in the dictionary. Some might say it’s "love," but love has its own opposite. Is loneliness something that can't be resolved? Is it something humanity hasn't figured out yet? Unlike the version of me right after returning from Jeju, my current self might still be feeling lonely. I fill that space with work and meetings with friends.
Among the emotions I am discovering one by one, I hope to truly find myself and know myself better than anyone.
Reference:
1. [IU TV] A real bro and sis interview part.1